Attachment in Parent-Children Relationships

Attachment can be defined as the process of an individual establishing and maintaining emotional bonds with parents or other significant individuals.

Examples of attachment behaviours include smiling, crying, orienting, clinging and proximity seeking behaviours. Such actions can be displayed even as early as infant-hood. Also, in response to their child’s needs, parents exhibit attachment-promoting behaviours, such as smiling, rocking and holding their child.

Developing attachment bonds can be beneficial. It can help children predict and understand their environment, develop positive relationships and establish a psychological sense of security (Bretherton, 1985).

Children and adolescents who experience parenting that sufficiently meet their needs physically & emotionally are more likely to develop healthy perceptions of self and others, such as seeing others as safe and reliable. This will help them develop a positive sense of self worth, interact with others in an appropriate manner, and build positive relationships with others.

Generally, there are four different types of attachment styles. To assess caregiver-infant interaction attachment, Mary Ainsworth developed a procedure named “The Strange Situation”. It involves a series of increasingly stressful separations & reunions between a caregiver and child. These separations & reunions resemble typical daily occurrences, such as meeting strangers and being left alone (Ainsworth et al., 1978).

Four types of attachment styles

Secure Attachment

Children who are securely attached are visibly distressed when separated from their caregiver and are happy when they return. Parents who respond to their child’s needs quickly and accurately are likely to have securely attached infants. This attachment is what caregivers should aim for, and is related to more positive and social outcomes.

Ambivalent Attachment

These children tend to display distress when separated by their caregiver, but do not seem reassured or comforted by their return and may even passively reject their parent’s comfort. Infants may be unsure as to whether their parents will respond to their needs.

Avoidant Attachment

Children with avoidant attachment styles tend to avoid their caregiver and do not seek contact with them with distressed. Parents may be indifferent to children's needs or reject the infant's attempt at closeness. Infants may know that their caregiver is unlikely to response to their needs.

Disorganised Attachment

Children may display disorganised or disoriented behaviours in the presence of their caregiver. Children tend to exhibit confusion over caregiver’s availability.

Common myths about secure attachment

Myth: If I’m having a hard time identifying my baby’s signs and cues, they must not be securely attached.

Understanding your baby’s signs and cues all the time in order to develop a secure attachment is impossible and unnecessary. To form a secure attachment, you do not have to drop everything the second your baby cries or give them everything they ask for.

Myth: If I always respond to my baby’s needs, they will be spoilt.

Responding to your child’s needs is not the same as providing them with everything they want. Rather, it means that you are acknowledging them. For example, if your child wants to go play outside, you do not have to allow them to do so all the time. You can respond by telling them that they can go out after they have completed their homework.

Myth: Love and secure attachment means the same thing.

Although bonding and attachment usually go hand in hand, loving your baby does not automatically create a secure attachment. Type of attachment ultimately depends on how responsive you are towards your child. Other factors include your ability to manage stress and to soothe your child. It takes time and trust to build a secure attachment between a parent and child.

Myth: Going back to work early will negatively impact my secure attachment with my child.

What creates a secure attachment is how responsive you are towards your child. This also means that the quality of the relationship matters more than the quantity of time spent together. Responding to their needs in a consistent and loving way is more crucial than the amount of time you get to see or hold them.

You do not have to be with your child 24/7 to form a secure attachment. Even though the change in working hours may be difficult to adjust to, do not be too hard on yourself, and everything will be okay.

How to develop a secure attachment with your child

The relationship between you and your child can be a great source of comfort, joy and fulfilment for both of you. Some may think that developing a secure attachment with your child is more complex and time consuming than it really is. Developing a secure attachment with your child does not demand a round the clock commitment.

However, it does imply an ability and willingness to reduce stress that’s affecting you and your child. An ability to tune in to your own emotions and that of your child is also needed. These positive experiences in your child’s early years will help your child develop healthy coping strategies. It will also help build trust and empathy towards others.

1) Understand each other' emotional cues

Developing healthy communication between you and your child starts from an early age, most of which might involve non-verbal responses. When you speak calmly and lovingly to your child, they may not say it but they can understand the message you are conveying through your facial expressions, the tone of your voice & your physical touch

2) Manage your stress

Stress can undermine & negatively affect secure attachment. To successfully understand and soothe your infant’s stress, you first have to be able to gauge your own stress level.

A focused & calm parent is more likely to be successful at soothing an infant that is inconsolable, tense or unresponsive. Thus, to care for your baby well, you should practice self-care. This includes taking care of the basics: having sufficient rest, having physical and emotional support & having time out for yourself.

Some ways to destress include talking to someone you trust, stimulating your senses through activities such as listening to music, having nice smelling aromas at home, deep breaths and exercise.

3) Be emotionally aware and sensitive to your baby's needs

Being aware of your emotions & that of your infant is key to experiencing & forming secure attachment. When you are connected with your own emotions, it makes it easier to pick up on your baby’s nonverbal cues (e.g. difference in their sounds, pace & intensity of their cries). It will then be easier to detect and respond appropriately to them. The more accurately a parent is able to do so, the greater the trust will be formed between parent and child.

Thus, it is important for parents to accurately understand the needs of their child. Infants need help managing emotions like anger, fear & joy as their nervous systems are not mature enough to do so on their own.

If their primary caregiver is often unresponsive to their needs or attempts to communicate, children may learn to numb or avoid their feelings. Fortunately, adults can learn to manage their emotions, just like how they can learn to manage their stress. Sharing your experiences with a partner or a support group may also help with this process.

Developing a sense of emotional awareness can vastly improve your relationship with your child as well as enhance their emotional, physical, intellectual and mental development.

Click here to download guide

Written and edited by: Eulisia Er and Xavierlyn Tan | Designed by: Goh Ting Wei