Embracing Family

Tips to Strengthen and Maintain Parent-Child Relationships

There are things that parents can do to build stronger relationships with their children, but the area of focus maybe different depending on the developmental phase or age of the child.

One key way that parents can build stronger relationships with their young children is through play. In itself, child-driven play is beneficial for children's development as it allows children to interact with the external world and develop in various competencies (e.g., decision-making, creativity, and group skills). When parents join in child-driven play, the play activity can become a platform for parents to engage with children in their activity of interest, and this has a bonding function. Parents can also get a glimpse into their child’s perspectives and experiences as they observe the way their children engage with objects of play, which may help parents to deepen their understanding of their children. 

On the other hand, during the play time with parents, children can also have experiences of their parents fully paying attention to and engaging with them, which can also strengthen their relationships with their parents. Parents can make this happen by scheduling pockets of rest time to allow their children to be away from other responsibilities (e.g. homework) and from passive forms of screen entertainment (e.g., television), and providing children with some possible objects of creative play such as blocks and dolls.

Good Communication

For parents of adolescents, one of the keys to maintaining a strong relationship is good communication. Developing adolescents tend to seek more independence for parents, while parents negotiate for control. In such a phase, conflicts are also more likely to occur between the parent and the child; good communication is essential to find a balance in the needs of both parties.

Conflict management

In times of conflict, parents can communicate effectively with their adolescent by: staying calm and actively listening to the child’s perspective, discussing the issue or behaviour at hand instead of making general statements about the child, and negotiating a solution that would allow both parties to have some of their needs met.

Parents can also deliberately create opportunities that would encourage them to communicate and bond with their adolescents – one such way is through engaging in challenging outdoor recreation together. This may be because in unfamiliar environments, clear communication, trust and cooperation are needed to successfully get through outdoor activities.

Parenting styles

It may also be worthwhile for parents to keep in mind that different parenting styles can potentially result in different outcomes in terms of the child’s development. The four main parenting styles that have been outlined by Psychology research are: Authoritative, Authoritarian, Permissive and Neglectful. 

Authoritative Parenting:  

Encourages children to be independent but still places limits and controls on their actions. Children raised in such a way tend to be cheerful, self-controlled, self- reliant and achievement-oriented. They also tend to engage in more prosocial behaviour than their counterparts whose parents used other parenting styles.

Authoritarian Parenting:

Restrictive, punitive style in which parents exhort the child to follow their directions and respect their work and effort. Parents place firm controls and limits on the child and allow for little verbal exchange.

As a result, children tend to be fearful and anxious about comparing themselves with others, fail to initiate activity, and have poor communication skills.

Neglectful Parenting: 

Parents are uninvolved in their child’s life. Children reared with this parenting style tend to have low self-esteem, have poor self-control and also have difficulties being independent.

Indulgent Parenting:

Parents are highly involved with their children but place few demands on them, such that the child never learns to control their own behaviour and always expects to have their way. Children whose parents use this parenting style tend to be egocentric, noncompliant, domineering and have difficulties in peer relations.

Which is the best?

Based on existing research, authoritative parenting styles seem to yield the best outcomes for the child and thus may be worthwhile for parents to adopt. At the same time, one caveat to the above findings is that in the case of authoritarian parenting, further studies have suggested that the outcomes of children are not as universally negative in the context of Asian cultures, as opposed to Western cultures.

This is because for Caucasians, “strictness” may have a negative connotation of parental dominance and hostility, but for Asians, “strictness” may have some positive connotations of parental concern, caring and involvement.

Another caveat to the above is that parents may use a combination of techniques, while also having a dominant parenting style. It is worthwhile for parents to consider varying their parenting style based on the needs of the situation. For example, it may be wise for parents to be strict and exert more control in situations when the safety of the child is at stake, but more permissive in giving in to the child’s needs in certain situations, for example when the child is ill and requesting for some privileges that would give them comfort.

Importance of seeking help in challenging family situations

Negative Impacts of Familial Conflict

It is common for conflict to arise within families once in a while, such as when family members have opposing views which clash with one another (Better Health Channel). This is especially because families consist of interconnected relationships which often influence one another (Persram etal., 2019). Occasional conflict may not always cause lasting damage, especially when it can be resolved in a timely manner. However, ongoing conflict can cause distress to family members and damage relationships within the family (Better Health Channel).

Children are especially vulnerable to the negative impacts of family conflict (Ministry of Social and Family Development). Research studies have shown that children who reported higher levels of family conflict had poorer self-concepts (Raschke et al., 1979; Nelson, 1984). Challenging situations can also exacerbate family conflicts. For instance, during the circuit breaker period in 2020, the Singapore Police Force saw a 22% increase in family violence reports, the Ministry of Social and Family Development received a 14% increase in queries related to domestic violence and conflicts (Centre for Fathering).

Family Counselling

There are organizations in Singapore that offer help to families experiencing conflict. For example, there are organisations that provide family counselling includes Eagles Mediations Counselling Centre (EMCC), Counselling and Care Centre (CCC), and Family Service Centres (FSC).

Where can I get help when facing challenging family situations?

Family Violence & Specialised Counselling

Individuals and families experiencing family violence can get in touch with organisations such as Protection Service Centres (PSC). There are also more specialised services such as those by Melrose Care Counselling Psychotherapy Services, Shan You Counselling s Casework, and Care Corner Counselling Centre for families that require more mental health support such as mindfulness-based or trauma-focused psychological therapies.

When do I seek help?

Anyone is welcome to seek help for challenging family situations. Nevertheless, these are some signs that a family may want to consider seeking help (Verywell Family):

• Feeling that you do not have the resources to cope with the distress experienced from the conflict

• Feeling a negative impact in daily functioning as a result of the conflict

Struggling to resolve the situation and repair damaged relationships without external help.

Why is Singapore (And Our Parents) So Diverse?

Singapore's Vibrancy

As a democratic country, we have the freedom of speech. We are entitled to our own opinion. It is common and frequent to have differences in opinions. This can be seen in policy making, decision making, etc. This adds vibrancy tothe discussion and contributes to a better conclusion. This is also observed in different generations of families.

Distinguishing between what is right and wrong can pose certain challenges. It depends a lot on perspective and isvery much subjective. Bringing in the idea of morality, the very definition of morality is hard for philosophers. In trying to approach morality, philosophers attempted to give two distinct broad senses (Gert, 2020):

1. Descriptively to refer to certain codes of conduct put forward by a society or a group (such as a religion), or accepted by an individual for her ownbehavior, or

2. Normatively to refer to a code of conduct that, given specified conditions, would be put forward by all rational people.

Even with the distinct broad classification, determining what is right or wrong about an opinion poses certain challenges. Across different generations of family, trying to arrive at a decision requires time and effort. Should the elder in the family make the decision? Should it be a consensus decision making? Asian values unity, harmony and family over individual interest (Hoon, 2004). This gives great weight over the importance of harmony within the family.

Cultural Differences between generations. Different types of traditions run deep in to the minds of different generations. Majority of the older generation grew up Chinese educated. There is huge influence by Chinese tradition and culture. However, for the current generation there is more western influence. This challenges the very idea ofAsia values (Sim, 2021).

Tips in Embracing Diversity

Explore and discuss the culture and traditions of foreign countries. Learn a new language Read up and discuss different religions and their various rituals and traditions.

Set up play-dates or meetings with new friends or reconnect with friends and family members which you have not seen for a long time and which might come from different backgrounds.

Visit a home for the elderly or disabled persons, a children's home for orphans or a shelter for the homeless or refugees to learn about other people’s struggles and challenges in life. Join fund-raising events and support good causes. Visit schools for special needs children or a children’s home with your child. They will appreciate your time, effort and support.

Make children aware of differences and uniqueness. Appreciate differences and acknowledge uniqueness. Praise good deeds and develop strong self-esteem and counteract insecurities. Join new community activities, and thus meet new people and embrace diversity!

Advice for Elders to Create Harmony Between Generations (Families for Life, 2023)

As an elder commands respect, we generally would prefer things to be run in a certain way. Try not to jump straight into reprimand mode when you see the new generation behave differently. Maybe imagine yourself as their age, yearning to want to do things their own way. From this perspective we are likely to understand the young generation.

We need to understand ourselves and check on ourselves. We, as elders, have certain habits. They might seem primitiveto the younger generation. Maybe we could take this opportunity to explainourselves. In the process, we strengthen the understanding and bond across generations.

Elders might want to have a say on how the grandchildren’s generation is brought up. This oversteps and undermines the authority of your children. Your children have their own set of rules and ways to bring up their children. Take a step back and offer your advice only when you feel it is necessary.

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Written by: Ashwin