What Are Boundaries?
- jessicaaqian
- Oct 3, 2024
- 3 min read
Updated: Apr 17
Boundaries refer to how far we can go with comfort in a relationship. It delineates where I and my physical and psychological space ends, and where you and yours begins.
Healthy boundaries are akin to the semipermeable membrane of a cell wall that, when functioning correctly, keeps poison out / lets nutrients in/ excretes waste.
An awareness of boundaries helps me to discover who I am, and thereafter, to have healthy relationships.
When there are boundaries, we can define our “self” (including our beliefs, thoughts, feelings, decisions, choices, and experiences; our wants, needs and bodily sensations), and delineate the differences between me and the other.
A person with unhealthy boundaries can be boundary less (few or no boundaries) or have overly rigid boundaries.
Setting healthy boundaries can prevent situations in which we are abused or mistreated by other people.
3 Types Of Boundaries
Physical
Privacy
Time & Energy
Physical Space
Sexual Behaviour
Money & Property
Closeness and Touching
Emotional/ Mental
Beliefs
Choices
Feelings
Thoughts
Decisions
Spiritual
Spirituality
Personal Experience
How Do Boundary Issues Manifest?
Not Being Able to Make Decisions The mental and emotional invasion of someone else into your own inner life causes you to be so bound up that you are unable to differentiate which of the experiences is your own and which comes from others. With loose boundaries, my true self may not have the protection for its well-being and integrity.
Not Being Able To Say No To OthersWe may respond to someone’s desires or wishes with immediate agreement and be unable toassert our own desires and wishes.
Feeling As If Your Happiness Depends On Other People This results in an unhealthily dependent on other people instead of looking to myself on how to be happy.
Staying In Relationships That Are HarmfulWithout boundaries to protect your own well-being and integrity, and to allow you to be aware of your own needs and desires, you may repeatedly allow other people to hurt you.
Other Ways Of Organising Types Of Boundaries
Physical
Violation of physical boundaries occurs when someone touches you when you don’t want them to, or when someone rummages through your bedroom without permission.
Intellectual
When one dismisses or belittles another person’s thoughts and ideas instead of respecting them and having awareness of appropriate discussion.
Emotional
Violated when someone criticises, belittles or invalidates another person’s feelings, or pushes them to share personal information when they are not comfortable to do so.
Sexual
Mutual understanding and respect of limitations between sexual partners, and is violated when there is unwanted touch/ sexual comments/pressure to engage in sexual acts.
Material
Involves setting limits on what you will share and with whom. Violated when someone pressures to lend/ give their possessions, or steals/ damages from another’s possessions.
Time
Violated when one demands too much of their time, not allowing the other to have sufficient time to attend to different facets of their life such as relationships and hobbies.
When boundaries are too rigid, there is disengagement. This can cause individuals to be isolated, depriving them of the protection of the family and opportunities to learn about life from other members. On the flip side, when boundaries are blurred, there is enmeshment - everyone’s business becomes everyone else’s.
Practical Steps To Set And Maintain Boundaries
Identify your limits - Physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. These need to be honoured to foster well-being.
Tune In To Feelings - Notice if certain requests lead to anxiety, discomfort or disrespect, resentment and uneasiness. This indicates that a boundary has been crossed, or needs to be set.
Recognise The Boundary - What makes the situation, interaction or expectation bothersome? Is it a work-related request, is it the specific individual making the contact, time of day, or the type of question being asked?
Be Direct - Be prepared to directly communicate expectations, as people may not know if they have crossed your boundaries.
Be Assertive - After setting the boundaries, they need to be maintained by reminding the other person in a firm, gracious and direct manner.
Start Small - Start with less-threatening boundaries with team members, and move to challenging boundaries with family and friends.
Grant Permission - Allow yourself to say no. Recognise that doing things out of fear, guilt or self-doubt willonly lead to future resentmentand exhaustion. Recognise that boundaries are a sign of self-respect, and must be respected and preserved. Make yourself a priority.
Enlist Support - If someone tends to struggle with setting boundaries, they neglect their needs and overly focus on that of others. Seek support from counsellors, therapists, mentors or friends insetting boundaries can be helpful.
Setting healthy boundaries is important. Unhealthy boundaries can lead to resentment, frustration, and danger; it can also contribute to anxiety, fatigue, and burnout. On the other hand, healthy boundaries help to protect personal well-being, and are essential towards fostering strong relationships.
What Do Boundaries Mean?
Boundaries can be a healthy way to establish what is alright or inappropriate in any given relationship such as with one’s significant other, friends, and parents; without boundaries, these relationships can become unbalanced. With close relationships such as with friends, boundaries may sometimes get blurred. Hence, it is crucial comfortable or uncomfortable with, before communicating clearer and firmer boundaries with others.
In this hustle and bustle of the world we live in, the concept of boundaries is evermore vital.
Do you find yourself constantly tired all the time, having to please both sides of hanging out with friends and family, leaving no time for yourself?
Do you always feel the need to prioritise others, leaving your wants and needs unfulfilled and being completely drained at the end of the day?
These are indicators of poor boundary establishment or execution; this write-up aims to discuss ways in which boundaries can be applied to different aspects of life.
Defining One's Boundaries
The first step is to listen to one’s emotions. If you find yourself feeling emotionally drained from hanging out with a particular friend, this calls for a need to re-define and establish boundaries. Ask yourself: “How am I feeling with this person?” and “What is my body trying to tell me?”
If not-so-positive answers were derived from asking yourself those two questions, one’s current boundaries should be explored and re-evaluated. Think about your relationship with that particular person in mind; what feels enjoyable and what feels uncomfortable? Being honest is a huge step towards clearer boundaries.
Thirdly, one should examine if those boundaries are sound. Ask yourself if those boundaries are a re-enactment of any past hurts, fears, and insecurities, and if they are appropriate to be asked of others. If you find yourself constantly putting your needs before others and having a people-pleasing tendency, it is time to assert those boundaries and not feel overly guilty about it.
Communicating Those Boundaries
Find or make a time where both parties are available to have a sit-down talk and ready for a discussion. Whilst describing the situation, using an accusatory tone such as “you are always” can make the other party defensive and resistant to engaging with the true purpose of the conversation. Saying “I enjoy the time we spend together but need some space after a tiring day at work” conveys the message in a manner that builds discussion and has an aim in conflict resolution.
Explaining the boundary is useful to ensure that the other person understands your limits and may also prevent them from overthinking that they are at serious fault. Following that, communicate the consequences if one’s boundaries are crossed. If a friend constantly expects a message reply, inform, and explain that you are tired and need some time away. If they insist on their way, assert your boundaries by muting their notifications and informing them that you would reply when you are ready to do so.
Lastly, follow through and assert those boundaries. It can be challenging to assert those boundaries and can feel guilty or overly harsh, but it is paramount to assert them so that others would take seriously. Remember that boundaries ultimately serve to maintain a healthy relationship and are the opposites of an enemy!
Balance is paramount; one can encounter problems when boundaries are too rigid and cause unnecessary inconvenience to others, or when boundaries set are vague and overly flexible. As daunting as it may be to recall unpleasant memories or to encounter new information about yourself, remember that your feelings are valid and exercise self-compassion!
What Can We Do When Boundaries Are Crossed?
Ever felt that your words were disregarded? Having your boundaries crossed probably ignited a lot of negative emotions such as disappointment and anger.
In any relationship, compromise remains crucial in helping individuals to resolve differences and find middle ground. While some of us feel anger and get confrontational, others might give in or adopt people-pleasing behaviours in fear of conflicts and anger. People-pleasing behaviours include going out of your way for others in life to be liked, often at the expense of your own personal well-being.
Acknowledge and Accept Conflicts.
Conflicts are part and parcel of every relationship. They are essentially unavoidable, and what matters is how we handle them. Conflicts can also be an important sign of the need for change and growth.
Remain Calm
When addressing conflicts, it is important to remain calm to minimise the problem. Some tips to help you feel calm include doing breathing exercises, going for a walk, or doing journaling.
Listen Actively
According to Iowa university, active listening focuses on both facts and feelings, reduces tension and defensiveness, and allows conflicts to be resolved more effectively.
Analyse The Conflict
Analysing the conflict helps to clarify the problems. Here are some questions you can ask: What triggered the conflict? Who or what are you angry with? What are you not getting that you want?
Use Neutral Language When Communicating
Refrain from raising voices or using explicit language when handling conflict to prevent further escalation of negative feelings. Restating things in a neutral manner de-amplifies the negativity and helps steer conflict towards a resolution.
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