Apologising

We have all experienced that “feel good” state after apologising to someone; scientifically speaking, what does that mean? According to Witvliet et al. (2020), apology and compensation are often associated with increased empathy, forgiveness, gratitude, as well as a decrease in negative affect. Physiologically, apologising can result in a more composed heart rate and decreased muscle movement above the brow and under the eye; this means less eyebrow furrowing! 

Apologising can be either a challenging and weighted task (hence the saying “sorry is the hardest word”) or be done reflexively without sincerity (Kerr, 2025; Sreenivasan & Weinberger, 2022). This begs the question, when is it appropriate to apologise, and how should I go about doing so?

Here are some reasons to consider apologising: failure in keeping a promise, engaging in behaviours that caused someone else to feel hurt, disrespected, or insulted (Scott, 2025). On the other hand, one should not apologise when one has not done anything wrong; in this case, gently clarify with the other person on what they felt and why they believed you were at fault (Gregory, 2025). 

To convey a genuine apology, the first step is to acknowledge the fault on one’s part and to take accountability for it (see Corliss, 2023; Scott, 2025). This can be via confirmation to the recipient that one’s behaviour was not acceptable, whilst specifying what went wrong, without minimising the offense. Secondly, discuss reasons that led to one’s wrongdoing without excusing the behaviour. Thirdly, convey remorse. This can include communicating regret and shame. Lastly, follow up the apology with a course of action; this can be restitution, such as offering monetary compensation when you damage something, or a promise to be more mindful about their feelings and needs in the future.

Written by: Adalee Loh

01/2026

References

Gregory, A. A. (2025, April 8). Five reasons not to apologise. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/simplifying-complex-trauma/202504/5-reasons-why-you-shouldnt-apologize 

Kerr, J. M. (2025, April 1). Why sorry is the hardest word. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/indispensable-thinking/202503/why-sorry-is-the-hardest-word 

Scott, E. (2025, May 19). The power of saying sorry: How apologies transform relationships. Verywell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/the-importance-of-apologizing-3144986 

Sreenivasan, S. S. & Weinberger, L. E. (2022, April 25). How and when should you say that you are sorry? https://www.psychologytoday.com/sg/blog/emotional-nourishment/202204/how-and-when-should-you-say-you-are-sorry  

Witvliet, C. V., Root Luna, L., Worthington Jr, E. L., & Tsang, J. A. (2020, March 13). Apology and restitution: The psychophysiology of forgiveness after accountable relational repair responses. Frontiers in psychology, 11, 284. https://www.frontiersin.org/journals/psychology/articles/10.3389/fpsyg.2020.00284/full